Today, i finally got a day out with my entire family. All of us together for at least half a day before my dad went to work at 2. It felt great hearing everyone joke and laugh and just be silly tgt, but me? I just cant help but feel so fucking foreign around my family. It makes me really upset with myself. The one chance i got at family bonding, when everyone's in a good mood and im the one screwing it all up because i dont know how to talk about soccer like mum and the boys or make funny jokes and play along being silly like everyone else. And everyone was poking fun at me with my wrapped up wrist and laughing and it was so hard for me to crack a smile i dont even know why.
Mum and dad kept prompting me, teasing me about my permanent frown and they were like "smile laaa! hahaha" and that made me laugh a little but i dont know.. maybe i was just scared. Maybe i was on edge because i knew at any point of time, someone would make a sarcastic remark that would trigger an argument or something like that.
Abang asked mum for his Marshall guitar ampliflier that he's been wanting for so long. And so we went to Peninsular Plaza to get it fuhhreaking $300 fuuuuh. And adik got a pair of soccer boots. And idk why usually people go to Peninsular for a purpose but my family just loves going there walking around for fun, looking at sportswear and buying nonsense i couldnt care less about. But i still followed and kept my thoughts to myself, always following everyone and their wants and needs to make everyone happy. I dont mind mum not getting anything for me, really. I just feel happy following them around and seeing them happy with their purchases and spending time with them but i just dont know how to express it i guess, so it looks like im unhappy and im putting up a long face but im not!! Im really okay!
After dad left for work, he dropped us off at geylang cos mum wanted to see some baju kurung and i silently followed her, giving appropriate comments about the stuff she picks out. And finally, after everyone is happy buying they're stuff we were walking to the bus stop to go home when i made a spit second on the spot decision to go off somewhere on my own to clear my head.
Told mum and my bros i wanted to go to the mrt station. Mum asked where i was going and i said "I dont know yet.." She seemed okay with it, smiling at me before i went off in the opposite direction.
So...... i ended up walking around at Somerset alone, thinking. And i bought a couple of CDs at HMV and then when dad ended work we all met up again and had dinner at bedok kfc together and i felt so much better after shopping alone so i laughed and talked and joked so much during dinner and i was so so happy to see my parents happy to see me like that. And amira texted me to make sure i was okay, and that was really a bonus. My day was really something! Im really glad it ended well though.
I really love my family. Although they know i wasnt happy about something the entire day (which i cant even explain myself) they didnt keep bugging me about it, or scolded me about my attitude or anything like that. I think my mum understood that i needed some time alone today and when i met up with them for dinner, the first thing she asked was, "so have you found your smile yet?" Hahaha so cute >< ok dah laa bye. Tooo long ready im sure no one would even read all the way up to this sentence.