I didn't cry.
Im not soft and weak anymore.
My heart is ice cool, my eyes sharp, my head, filled with rational thoughts.
Empty.
___________
I just came back from night cycling at ECP with my brother. We just needed that escape. I feel better now. Actually, not exactly, but i feel more at peace, so to say.
I don't know what happened. We were just sitting there, minding our own damn business, then it was as if a storm passed through the walls. I dont know what the fuck your problem is, all of you freaks. Yes, freaks. We're a family of freakshows. Every last one of us. Me included, i suppose, in your eyes.
I don't care about me and my feelings because honestly, i have none right now. I'm numb to all of this. Like i said, it's like my heart has hardened and turned to stone. Its my grandmother i'm more concerned about. And my mother.
What you did today really hurt the two women i love the most. The two dearest people in my heart.
All the screaming and crying i observed was really too much for me to bear today. Not because of me and my damn feelings, like i said. My heart breaks thinking of how insulted my mother must have felt, and the guilt my grandmother would've felt as your words pierced through her ears.
Why burden the old? Those sad eyes. Have you no sense at all?
Seems like we're no longer welcomed there. Well, fine. So be it. Maybe its better for everyone anyway. It just doesn't make sense though, that we, being the closest (seems like it) to her, are not even allowed to visit her everyday. Selfish pricks, all of you. Its okay, my grandmother knows that i love her and i will love her forever. I just hope you don't regret it when she's no longer around. Fine, you can survive on your own? Go ahead. Who needs extended family anyway. Fuck you all.
___________
When you threw that fine, working guitar down the rubbish chute, when you kicked the fan out of anger. Yup, that's exactly when your mother's heart shattered into a million pieces. Your mother. My grandmother.
Abang said "kite chao ah". Yup, that was my cue. We were kinda aimless for awhile but then we went to ECP and cycled our worries away. Felt kinda guilty for leaving mum and the little bro though. But really, i felt really free, night cycling.
Escapism.
Just like music.
Tomorrow, i'm going out shopping with the girls. I can't wait to get my mind off this mess. They always melt my worries away.
goodnight now <3