But then again, who am i to comment? I might as well be the whiniest bitch on planet earth. I tend to annoy my friends with my whining but fuck it la i've picked out enough flaws in myself already. I need to stop feeling insecure. Stop feeling like i'm never good enough and start loving myself.
This lack of confidence and down the drain self-esteem, i really need to get rid of.
I've been pretty silent the past couple of days. Not gonna say its been the worst week ever, because it really wasn't too bad. But i was really reserved and quite isolated lately and i've been zoning out a lot. Everything is really taking its toll on me. Sometimes i think all this being alone helps. But sometimes it just fucking sucks when i start to think too much.
Tuesday, i sent Mak long off at the airport. She's leaving "indefinitely" according to mum. I hope she'll be okay in adelaide. In school today, Kak long texted me she said: "Wah girls you must be really happy okay Abang Sam put up your photo in his room" I wanted to cry so hard when i read that text. I miss him so much. He used to take care of me growing up and now he's working in Adelaide and doesn't want to come back fuck la i need someone right now. I really feel like e-mailing abang sam to tell him how fucking alone i am i this household and i really need him back home. And the fact that my mak long went over to live with him hurts me so much more. I know she wants to live with her son but i need her too. I love them so much and now look what all the chaos has caused. Atuk would have been so disappointed in all of us.
I want to work hard and do my best. Do well in my studies and show my mother that i am not invisible. Like "Hello, i do exist in this world and i scored straight A's now do i make you proud?" Okay. Lets go. Insyaallah i can do this. I've been independent for so long i guess i should be accustomed to it by now.
I shall study hard and make my grandmother proud and pray that she lives long enough to see me excel and be somebody worth being loved and cared for in this world. Sometimes it feels as if she loves me the most. Well, im not complaining. I'd take that any day.
I will not distract myself with anything other than my studies and my music right now the rest of the world can just do whatever the fuck they want with their lives. I need this. For my nenek. I need to make her proud and cheer her up and show her i can do well in life. I shall now go to school and only worry about my studies, and looking presentable would be enough, no need to go looking to impress anyone anymore la im so sick of this game. Ultimately, everyone should be focused on their A's now right? To hell with the moon im tired of searching all the time.
Haiy life.