I really applaud myself for all the strength i've managed to gather today.
So many turn of events occurred since i last posted, within the span of 4 hours or so.
Turns out, nobody responded to my texts or calls because everyone was busy attending to my poor grandmother who was sick and is still sick. I was beyond mad when i finally found out. My cousin texted and said that nenek's not well and that everyone is there. AND I HAD TO ASK HER IF MY MOTHER WAS THERE because she didn't bother contacting me at all to inform me.
I hate it. I fucking hate it whenever the adults just go about their business when something bad happens and leave us kids out of the picture. Hello!! Who is the one who takes care of my grandparents everyday since primary school...? Visiting them everyday after school no matter how late i end, talking to them, joking around and making them laugh. Monitoring whether they've taken their meals and medicine, listening to them complain about all you adults fighting and not being kind to each other. Not trying to dig out my deeds or mengungkit or what la but i personally feel that i am the closest to them, physically and emotionally. Sometimes, i even feel that my grandparents are the two people who love me most.
And i love them most, frankly. I love them so much that i die a little inside whenever i see just a tiny hint of a frown on their faces. And when they're sick, my whole world seems to fall apart. And now that only one of the loving pair is left in this world, I feel even more obliged to take care of her well because I cannot bear to lose my grandmother. Especially not 7 months after the passing of my late grandfather.
Mom looked really stressed out when I arrived at nenek's place. She didn't even acknowledge me; didn't speak to me or so much as look at me. I'm not offended in any way at all. I know how worried she is seeing her mother in that state. Trust me, i would be, too. I worry about my mother feeling stressed about everything; her job, her financial concerns, her workload, balancing motherhood and her responsibilities as a daughter. And i love her so much that it pains me to see her cry, as she hugged her mother, who couldn't stop vomitting. I swear, it was a really really depressing scene. I wanted to hug my mother and tell her everything is going to be alright, but i couldn't find the words or the courage to.
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I received plenty of text messages and whatsapp notifications and twitter mentions but i fucking swear every beep my phone made annoyed the hell out of me at that point of time. I felt like throwing my phone in the trash and shutting everything out. Mass text messages, reminder for homework submissions, a text from Fernandez, MCS relations and texts from my classmates and best friends started to come in and i felt so claustrophobic. I felt like screaming out to tell everyone to STFU but really, there's no point in taking out my anger on anyone of them just because im dealing with my own issues.
I am sorry guys. Yeah, its my fault for being insensitive and not replying your urgent messages. I am sorry that i have to be thrown more problems during this crucial and most hectic point in my life. You know what, i would gladly apologize if it really is my fault for being a bitch and sending out curt replies, but it really isn't. I really wasn't in the right state of mind and i was really busy with family, so all other issues have to wait. So many people chasing me for stuff to be done and whatever stupid nonsense when the only thing/PERSON i have in mind is indeed my grandmother.
Haiy.
I really hope i'll come out strong.
Get well soon, nenek, i love you forever <3 :-*