Her piercing words. Her sarcastic eyes. All too contradicting with her kind gestures.
She wasn't satisfied with the work i prepared for consultation. And she asked if i wanted to remain at the bottom of the class forever.
"I know you're not stupid. Because if you were, you woudn't have come from TKGS"
Fuck.
"What's wrong with you? I really need to know what your problem is. Because it seems like you're not working at all"
Fuck.
"Do you want me to drop you entirely? Because you are completely wasting away 30 minutes of my life which i will never get back. And you do this every week"
Fuck.
"I've had enough of your absenteeism."
Fuck.
Those words. The way you said them. Shows exactly how you view me as a person. Well, you don't know me one bit. You don't know what i go through, how hard i try and the very best of efforts i put in every piece of work.
Im pretty sure my essays aren't half bad, really. They do make sense, and i'm quite satisfied with my language use. Maybe i'm not putting in enough effort, but it is wrong for you to completely dismiss the effort i put in, even if it isn't up to your standards. I deserve some credit for that little bit of effort, i know i do.
Don't judge me based on what secondary school i came from.
Don't judge me based on how i look. Oh, you think i'm a rebel? Someone who's capable of truancy and cheat? Someone whom you can threaten by calling up my parents?
Well, let me just say this. My mother would know how hard i work because she sees me every day. My mother would know me a million times better than you. So go ahead and call. We'll see what my mother says about me. Because one thing's for sure, I am anything but lazy.
I push myself so hard everyday. In everything i do. Be it dance or homework or my relationships with friends or taking care of my grandmother or doing household chores. I have never asked for anything from anyone in return. That's how good i try to be. I try to keep as minimal complaints i have to myself (or to my blog). I try so hard to do my best at everything and i am only human. I do get tired. I do fall sick.
So please, i beg you never to judge me based on my shortcomings once in a while. Ask my friends, my family, i bet they'd tell you i am not simply a lazy ass teenager. If anything, i'm proud of the strength i've managed to gather throughout these tough few months. I'm proud of the effort i put in everything i do, however little they may be.
Yes. I need to work harder. I know i need to put in more and more and more effort constantly to brace myself for the storm of the main event in November. Yes, i will work harder. If need be, i'd wipe any traces of happiness or joy in my face just to prove to you how serious i can be.
Well, you think i'm weak and i'm not pushing myself hard enough? I say bring it on, bitch. I can go full force from here onwards.
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Pretty pumped up on motivation today after what just happened. Heh and hi, you. I know you read my blog regualrly too. I appreciate you so much for always being my pillar of strength and hope. And yes, that post you made about how special our friendship is, i can totally relate to that. My girls are my driving force. They keep me going. They keep me hanging on whenever things seem to fall apart. And i am forever thankful for this special friendship that i can only find in this group of girls, alway being patient with me, taking care of me and giving me great advice or a kind listening ear. I love all of you forever and always and may our friendship last forever, insyaallah <3
For each of you, i just want to say thanks for being my best friend and my sister, my saviour for when i feel so lost and alone in this tough, tough world.
I CAN DO THIS. I WILL DO WELL AND SHOW YOU.