Hey guys. Today was an extremely emotional day for me.
Let's just say, i finally lost it. I broke down.
After weeks and days of holding it all in, i finally reached a point of catharsis today. It wasn't a very big emotional release, quite a tiny eruption actually, but it was still something, considering i've successfully managed to suppress everything and not shed a single tear for as long as i can remember.
Yesterday's dance practice was indeed the worst we've had so far. I was beyond exhausted but i still had to see my grandmother at the hospital after that. I wasn't going to take any chances. I'm not going to let a single day go by where i don't see her. I don't want to regret and repeat the mistake i made when my Atuk passed away.
And then the adults were being pretty childish, as usual. And my mom, stressed and worried and feeling horrible about life.
And then there's me, with school and dance and manifest admin matters to settle and issues with my social life.
Yeah, i've been feeling pretty screwed up lately. But i've managed to mask all my worry and sadness and tried to put myself together, trying as best as i can to be myself at school.
But today, i lost it. So tired after yesterday, plus i didn't manage to complete my work for today.
So i left to meet mom but then i came back to school at 5 for JK meeting. Yup, and that's when i lost it.
I cried at school. In front of my friends.
Yuck. I felt so disgusted with myself at that point of weakness and vulnerability. I let my emotions overpower me. I let my guard down. In school.
I felt like i wanted to just hide in a hole. I hate people seeing me like this. But yes, this is reality. I really couldn't hold it all in any longer.
Khairi wrapped up today's meeting by asking each and every one of us to say what we feel and what we want to say or tell everyone one thing you've learnt through this Manifest journey. When it came to my turn, i totally had a sudden burst of emotions. I said everything that needed to be said from A to Z, not caring who was in the room. I felt like i was alone in there and it was like a monologue of expressions. I told them what i felt and why i felt that way and what was going on that i observed, the cliques and everything i've been surpressing since day one. I defended my friends and everything. Im quite proud of the little speech i made.
And then when i was done, Nadzirah stood up and told everyone how she thought that I am a very strong person who has a tough endurance and patience and she said i am a very fair person and blah blah and then they clapped for me and i really wanted to cry and hug everyone and at the same time, i didn't want to be there at the centre of attention i was so embarrased for turning the spotlight on myself i didn't like that at all. But yay, at least i cleared the air with regards to the Amaliah situation or my TKgirls always sticking to ourselves and how we all work so hard for the whole of MCS and the luqman situation. Okay, i guess now my hopes have been revived. I truly wish for Manifestasi 2012 to be a success.
Ok bye <: