❤
I don't know how to describe today. It started off pretty okay while we were getting ready to perform. And then everything turned out to be such a mad rush and it got really tiring after awhile. And sleepy. I was very sleepy in the bus, plus the heat and the headaches from the heavy makeup.
I don't know i just felt really stuffy the entire afternoon. My blocked nose and the need to pee didn't help at all. Plus, I was really nervous for the performance.
I don't think we did it very well. The last part got really really really messy despite the countless practices we've had. But oh wellz, it all done and over. Now, to focus on Manifest. Haaaaaiy.
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My mom came to watch the performance. I was really surprised actually. She's been acting really weird lately i don't even know how to act around her sometimes. Its like, one minute she can be really fun and supportive and the next minute, she's totally cold and completely uncaring. I don't know what is going on with her AT ALL. What she's feeling or what she expects me to do. I just don't know.
I do know why she's been really stressed up though. She told me that day when i met her for lunch.
Mom's been really strong for everyone, i really admire her for that. She's always solving her students' problems, in school, outside of school, helping them financially, emotionally, physically. Maybe after 25 years, its finally taking its toll on her, her job. She cares too much about everyone.
Sometimes, the strongest people are the ones who crumble the fastest. And sometimes, people who are always there for others, may feel like no one is there for them.
And that's what made me feel really guilty today. I felt stuck. I knew she came because she thought we could go home together from there but then she saw that i wanted to spend time with my girls too and then she tried to weave herself into my plans and i felt really guilty for dragging my girls into all of her plans.
I hope they didn't mind my crazy bipolar family and our messed up plans.
I think they enjoyed themselves during dinner though. I hope so. I was just trying really hard to make everyone happy. And my parents sure were very happy, they love my girls. Haha. I must say they really saved the day for me and i love them so very much.
It's funny, really. The moment they all leave, the atmosphere drops and mom starts her worrying again. I can see it in her eyes. Maybe that's why she's held on to her job for so long. Maybe because, hanging out with those kids all day is more than just a job for her. Maybe its her way of destressing. Just like hanging out with my friends or abang's friends. And i hope that my friends understand that whenever they join my family out anywhere, they are never ever intruding or troubling my parents because in actual fact, their presence just comforts them even more and makes everything better.
And that's why i love them so much. Because they don't only make me happy, they make my family happy too.
It's complicated, really. I have a really weird family system. But i have learnt to count my blessings and take this all as a benefit i'm blessed with. I love my family and i love my friends, and all of them put together in one place is just perfect and i couldn't have asked for anything better. I think i'm really lucky to have slightly weird parents, or different, rather. I love them anyhow.
Haha fuck why am i so long-winded like vincent lee. Lol. Meh i just like to write and spill my thoughts la sorry.
Ok i am exhausted. Goodnight xx