I don't ever want to confide in you ever again.
You complain that i never want to open my mouth and talk about my problems. You complain about me being silent and keeping it all in all the time, never joining in the laughter whenever i'm with family.
But yet, when i tried to open up to you today, tell you what i'm feeling and what's going on in my life, you shun me away. You insert snide remarks about how "teenagers nowadays" are always so full of themselves. You start to compare me to the younger version of you and how you had to work hard because you had so many siblings. Fuck it la. Not everything is about you. Why cant you just shut up with your comments and just listen to ME TALK, for once. Everything i say, you impose your views and perspectives on me and tell me what to do. Sometimes, i just need to let it out, sometimes all i need is for you to listen.
I don't even have that.
I'm almost always the listening ears, the helping hands.
I used to have my brother to confide in. Now, it seems, even he is judging me. For being weak, and whiny, and problematic. It feels like i've lost him somehow. And i really miss him.
So, what about me? Who would listen to me?
I wonder if my sisters can hear me when i cry. Up there in the heavens, i hope they are watching me live in this tough, tough world, knowing me better than any living person i interact with in reality.
Maybe there was a purpose that God took my sisters away from me. Maybe God knew that my parents wouldn't be able to handle so many children..? But nah, that can't be it. Because God is never indecisive. He wouldn't give two lovely, beautiful girls to two lovely people if He knew they couldn't handle it. Well, whatever reason it is, it's probably for the best. I await the day we'd be reunited when the time comes.
I know my parents are good people. I believe that there are no two people with better hearts than the two people who have raised me. The two most sincere, generous souls. But sometimes, i wonder, why i feel this way about everything. Maybe they're two good people and their flaws lie in their parenting skills? Or maybe it's just me who's not suited to the way this system of family works? Well, whatever it is, i'm not blaming them. I know they have their lives to live and bigger problems to worry about than my tiny teenage issues.
I guess that's why i keep a blog. For days like these when i feel so alone and when there's no one i can turn to. So that i can pour it all here and feel better, instead of being downright rude and bitch about it out loud. I guess when i blog, i can think more rationally. When i keep it in at that moment of anger and sadness, i think through my emotions and as i write, it calms me and the anger dissipates and i can think more logically about why people behave that way and why i'm feeling like this in response.
Logic and rational reasoning.
The reasons why i blog.
And to keep myself company when it gets too quiet.
Parenting really is hard, huh. I often plan in my head how best to raise my future children so that my daughter or son won't hate me for my actions. HAHAH i am such a loser. Or, i hope, at least, my children will have the ability to think rationally like me, so that they try to understand my actions or my situation and not hate me no matter what. Haha ok lonely girl planning for the future lol.
I hope that i would snap out of this soon enough. I am actually blessed with such wonderful people in my family. Everyone so smart and strong and talented and selfless (most of the time) and i need to learn to see the bigger picture and appreciate it more, instead of isolating myself and feeling so completely alone all the time. Hmm so many ands in that sentence. Haha. I have to learn to live with the fact that my family is made up of independent individuals, and my being alone all the time does not mean that they don't care but because im practically old enough to fend for myself. Which is true. I should stop being such a baby and grow up and learn to just deal with it because this is life.
The only thing that saves me are prayers, really. It calms my soul and makes me stronger.
I will get stronger, insyaallah.
Okay i should get out of here. Sigh, bye guys gonna get some sleep and hopefully feel better tomorrow.